More confident gay sex – what’s the secret?

You might be surprised to learn that one of the keys to having more confident gay sex is not the number of techniques you’ve learned – but cultivating a feeling of self-worth.

As the Gay Therapy Center points out:

“Good sex requires that you sink into yourself. In sex you need a healthy sense of entitlement”

In other words you need to get better at receiving what you want.

And, more to the point, you need to believe that you’re worth it (to paraphrase a well-known advertising slogan)!

Why receiving is an important part of confident gay sex

For a lot of gay guys feeling confident, or feeling a sense of self-worth during sex can be challenging.

There are many things which can contribute to this: from internalised homophobia, or gay shame, to unrealistic body and performance expectations from the media and porn.

You might think that giving and receiving is the last place to try and address this.

But one of the best ways to achieve a feeling of self-worth and self-acceptance is to learn how to receive…

To be able to welcome and receive a gift that’s just for you, without the need to do anything in return, helps you to believe that you are truly worthy to receive what you want.

Radical receiving – how to ask for what you want

So many of us have grown up being told ‘I want doesn’t get’. And for gay folks there’s additionally often a lot of pressure to minimise our true desires in order to fit in, or even survive.

Often we need to learn skills to get better at voicing what we want,

If you’re wondering where to even start with this here are three really simple things you can do:

• Take all the time you need to ask for what you really want,
• change your mind if it’s not right,
• and stop when you’ve had enough.

These might sound like obvious suggestions, but they’re pretty radical in a world where most people feel uncomfortable receiving, or keep trying to give more as a way to avoid the vulnerability of receiving.

I call it radical receiving.

If it’s not right what do you want instead?

Think of how many times you’ve had a massage which wasn’t hitting the spot but you just gritted your teeth and put up with it anyway.

How absurd is that – it was meant to be for your benefit, but you didn’t get what you really wanted.

When it comes receiving in a way which is really genuinely nourishing the question to ask yourself is not ‘why don’t I like this?’ but ‘what do I want instead?’

If it’s meant to be for your benefit you need to act accordingly, and make sure it really is!

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This touch practice will help you get better at receiving

The Bossy Massage is a practice which can change your relationship with receiving touch.

Having someone else put your desires first – without judgement, or shame – and dedicate time and care to giving you only the touch you choose can be a profound and liberating experience.

You can try it with a partner, lover, or even a friend.

It’s based on one question: ‘How do you want me to touch you?’

Sounds simple – but when was the last time anybody asked you how you wanted to be touched?

And then gave you exactly that touch, no ‘improvements’, no extras, just exactly what you asked for.

Most of us are not used to choosing how we want to be touched – we tend to default to letting someone else touch us the way they want to (even in a massage).

The bossy massage is an opportunity to really focus on your own pleasure without distractions – while it’s happening it’s just about you, and what your body wants.

I’ve put together a comprehensive step-by-step guide for you, including tips for how to make the most of your experience – just let me know where you want me to send it and it’ll be pinged straight to your inbox.