Want to be a better gay lover? Get more selfish!

Is it selfish to put your own desires first in the bedroom?

So many gay guys are scared of taking up too much space in their intimate relationships. Afraid they won’t be liked if they’re too demanding.

It’s not surprising. Most queer people have had to spend a lot of time minimising their desires in order to fit in, or even to survive.

Even in our culture at large, going after what you want is often regarded as selfish.

But if you want to become a better gay lover getting a bit more selfish in the bedroom can actually be a good thing.

Good sex is about taking as well as giving

Good sex is a two-way exchange. As Adam Blum from the Gay Therapy Center points out:

“Sex gets better when you take responsibility for your own arousal. If you tend to escape your own needs and get preoccupied with your partner’s excitement, sex won’t be as exciting for you both. Another way to put it: you must take your own pleasure in sex. To grab it and own it. That’s sexy”.

Think how hot it is when a guy is proactive about his desires in bed, when he takes ownership of what he wants to do, and fully inhabits his enjoyment of doing what turns him on…

Chances are he’ll feel the same way about you being proactive too!

Taking action for what you want is one of the keys to becoming a better gay lover, and finding more confidence in the bedroom.

The problem with taking

The word ‘taking’ often brings to mind invasive or aggressive behaviour. Getting something by whatever means necessary – which usually also means without consent.

Most of us have regularly experienced taking as meaning others stealing, or sneaking from us, or as something we’ve had to endure.

Just think of how many hugs you’ve put up with because the other person gave you no choice before putting their arms around you… and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!

Do you give more than you take?

If the version of taking outlined above is the only reference you have for what taking means then of course it’s going to be a terrifying (or at least uncomfortable) to think about taking something for yourself

Because who wants to end up being seen as a perpetrator! Especially if you’re a man.

To avoid this, many people try to give more as a way to avoid taking, but there’s only so far that will get you – ultimately, in order to resource yourself fully you need to receive too (check out the secret to receiving pleasure).

And taking (with consent) is actually a form of receiving.

Taking can be a healthy thing – identifying your needs, and then taking action to meet them; nourishing yourself by listening to and responding to your desires.

Learn how to take with more integrity

It’s time to shift how we view taking, away from the idea of greediness or grabby-ness, by creating a version of taking where there’s a clear distinction between what’s been agreed, and what hasn’t.

Once you understand there’s a difference between taking with agreement, versus taking without agreement, suddenly it becomes more possible to take without the risk of hurting someone else, or taking too much.

And when you learn how to create clear agreements about what you take it makes you much more trustworthy, and brings integrity to your actions.

Making clear requests is the key to taking without taking advantage

There are plenty of different ways that taking consentingly can look, but all of them involve the other person giving you access to themselves in some way.

And you need to get their permission for that.

Here’s a couple of ways that might happen:

You might want access to someone’s body or physical possessions:

How to do it: If you want to get your hands on someone, instead of just grabbing them you might say: ‘Your butt looks great, may I squeeze it?’, or you could try saying: ‘‘I feel really touch deprived at the moment, may I wrap my arms around you and cuddle for a while?’

Or you might want to take up space, or time – getting the benefit of someone else’s attention for a while. This kind of taking, through being seen and heard, can be one of the most powerful forms of validation and even healing.

How to do it: Rather than launching into straight into dirty talk with a new lover, why not try asking: ‘Talking dirty really turns me on, would you be willing for me to do that with you?’; or ‘May I share some of my favourite fantasies with you?’

When you make a clear request to someone about something you want from them, then it gives them a chance to figure out if that’s something they’re willing (or able) to give you and how that might happen.

Maybe they’re not up for a cuddle right now but they will be later. Maybe they’re willing for you to talk dirty for a bit, but not for the whole time you’re together.

Creating clear agreements brings choice to both of you, and means that no-one will end up feeling taken advantage of, or putting up with something they’re not up for!

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If you want to learn how to take more confidently and consentingly, and become a better gay lover, I can help – check out my one-to-one physical intimacy coaching to learn more.