How to avoid gay sex myths and have healthier sex

• “Is anal sex dangerous?”
• “Does being a bottom make you effeminate?”
• “Isn’t everyone with HIV infectious?”

Do you know the answers to these questions? (If you don’t you can find them at the bottom of this page).

A lot of sexual health education can be pretty basic. And it often doesn’t include the gay experience.

Which means there are plenty of myths about gay sex out there.

So when it comes to your sexual health where do you get your information from? And are you getting sex-fiction or science-fact?

How much do you really know about STIs?

The first thing most people think of when it comes to sexual health is Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI).

So how would you know if you or your sexual partner have an STI?

If you think it would always be obvious – a rash, or lumps, or unpleasant discharge – you’d be wrong! Many STI’s don’t have obvious symptoms (or they might not appear for weeks or months).

So if you have unprotected sex outside a monogamous relationship the only way to be sure you’re healthy is to get tested regularly.

It’s about more than infection

But just as good health is about more than simply avoiding the flu, good sexual health is about more than just infection.  In order to be fully sexually healthy you need to pay attention to yourself as a somatic whole.

Staci Haines, somatics expert and therapist explains:

“The word Somatics comes from the Greek root soma which means ‘the living body in its wholeness’.

The understanding is that people are not mind over matter (“If I think differently I will be different”), nor matter over mind or spirit (“A change in chemistry or medication will wholly change my experience”).

Rather we are all of these things combined – we are thinking and conceptual, we are emotional, we are biological and we are spiritual.  Somatics approaches people as the integrated whole, working with all of these aspects of who we are”.

Why is a full-body approach important when it comes to healthy sex?

For many people – especially queer people – sexuality is underpinned by silence, fear, shame (and pornography).

All of these things can lead to being in the dark (and not in a good way) when it comes to facts about sex.

Keeping sex as something secret or disconnected from the rest of your life, means it’s much harder to know what’s real and what’s a myth.

By connecting your sexual body with your heart and your intelligence you can put yourself in a much healthier position (missionary or otherwise!).

How to avoid gay sex myths

Ask! Ignorance is certainly not bliss when it comes to either pleasure or health.

Use the internet. It’s a great way of educating yourself whilst sparing your blushes – but be careful:  many forums and social media sites are riddled with just as many myths as information!

Stick to sites which are produced by reputable health, or LGBT+, organisations. Here are a few to get you started:

• NHS guide to STIs and getting tested anonymously (UK)
• Healthline.com LGBTQIA safer sex guide
• The BeYou Project sex and sexual health resources

Work with a trained somatic sex educator, like a Sexological Bodyworker. Our training – from anatomy to techniques – means it’s an essential part of our job to know about sexual health in all its forms: from feeling like your body’s not doing what you want when it comes to sexual function, to wanting better orgasms, we can work with you somatically to make sure your sexual health is a hit not a myth!

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*And the answers to those questions at the start…?

• The anus is a flexible muscle, so – if done right – anal sex should be no more dangerous than any other kind (plus the anus can be an incredible source of pleasure);
• How you choose to enjoy any part of your body has no bearing on how ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’ you are (and those are just gender constructs anyway, there’s nothing wrong with being a mixture of both!);
• HIV treatment is also HIV prevention. Having sex with a person who has an undetectable viral load is safer than having sex with someone who doesn’t know their HIV status. Undetectable = Untransmittable. U=U