How to improve touch during gay sex

Giving and receiving touch is at the heart of what feels good in the bedroom.

But many gay guys I talk to feel like they’re not getting the most out of the touch they’re having during sex, and they want to know how they can improve it.

To be honest, the dynamics of touch are the same whether you’re gay, straight, or anywhere in between.

And while it can certainly be fun to learn some sexy new massage strokes, that’s really just the icing on the cake.

What will actually make a difference to how much pleasure you feel is to understand the differences between 4 types of touch – 2 types of giving, and 2 types of receiving.

There’s a bit more to giving and receiving touch than you might think

When it comes to giving and receiving touch most people think of it in terms of just 2 dynamics:

• doing = giving
• done-to = receiving

If you’ve ever had a massage this will sound familiar:

I’m giving you the gift of a massage by doing it to you;

You’re receiving the gift of a massage by having it done to you.

But what if you want to run your fingers through my hair because you enjoy the feel of it?

You’re doing it for your benefit, not mine. So you’re the one receiving (the gift of access to my body) – but you’re also the one doing the action.

This is a different dynamic to the ‘doing=giving’ dynamic above, yet it’s one we’re all familiar with from our everyday interactions – both in and out of the bedroom.

The 4 different types of touch

If you’ve never given much thought to these 4 different ways you’ve already experienced giving and receiving touch let’s define them here.

This is based on the Wheel Of Consent, a tool for navigating giving and receiving which is at the heart of all my work.

---

2 TYPES OF GIVING

(It can be helpful to think of this in terms of giving a gift):

• Active giving: I touch you the way you want (I give you the gift of my action)
• Non-active giving: You touch me the way you want (I give you the gift of access to me)

 

2 TYPES OF RECEIVING

(It can be helpful to think of this in terms of receiving a gift):

• Active receiving: I touch you the way I want (I receive the gift of access to you)
• Non-active receiving: You touch me the way I want (I receive the gift of your action)

---

Why is it important to differentiate between them?

When gay guys come to me wanting to improve the quality of touch in the sex they have, one of the things I help them learn to do is differentiate between each of these 4 types of touch.

Sex can feel complicated at the best of times, and if there’s a lot of different touch happening all at once it can get even more confusing.

The confusion increases when pleasure is involved because we tend to think that when we experience pleasure it must mean we’re the one receiving.

Pleasure is possible in all 4 touch types

Your body will already know this. Take a moment to think about how you might have had pleasure:

• Being of service so someone else gets the touch they want – maybe you rubbed their feet after a long day. (Active giving)
• Being the object of someone else’s desire for touch – maybe they ran their hands over your ass. (non-active giving)
• Feeling someone’s body the way you want to – maybe you got to run your fingers through their hair. (active receiving)
• Being touched the way you wanted to be touched – maybe they gave you a sensual full body massage. (non-active receiving)

Each of the 4 types of touch has its own distinct flavour and each one opens up unique possibilities for discovering more about yourself and your relationship to pleasure.

Learning how each one feels – separate to the others – is one of the most effective ways to improve the quality of your touch during sex, because you’ll understand more deeply why the touch is happening, and who it’s really for.

---

Practice at home

Here’s a great game to play with a lover, partner, or even a friend (depending on your circumstances!).

Watch the video for the instructions. At the end of the whole game you’ll both have had a chance to experience each of the 4 types of touch separately from the others, and that will give you lots of great information about how you like (or don’t like) to touch and be touched!