How you can make better gay sex happen

Let’s start with one of the biggest myths there is about sex:

Great sex doesn’t ‘just happen’!

During the sexual revolution of the 1960s we replaced the previous idea – that sex was sinful – with the new notion that sex is natural. But as psychotherapist and sexologist Esther Perel points out:

“It’s not natural. It’s an art, it’s cultivated, it’s learned, it’s an intelligence. It’s a lot of things but it’s not just something you ‘know’”.

Perel goes on to observe:

“With sexuality there is an exceptionalism: that the rules of every other activity we do don’t apply. [With most activities] you prepare: you get ready, you pick up the clothes that fit the activity, you put them in a bag, you take it with you to another place … With sex there’s this idea that it’s spaceless, timeless … but it’s not. It’s only going to happen because you make it happen!”

So how do you make it happen?

Learning the language of (making) love

Interestingly, an internet search on how to have better gay sex brings up a lot of articles focussing on ‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’. And many tips – although useful – tend to focus pretty much exclusively on the genitals.

But I actually think most of us need to start somewhere different.

Sex is like a language. And when you start learning a language you don’t dive in at the deep end by trying to write a whole novel before you can understand the words!

You start with the basics – building blocks, and structure.

Foundations are fundamental

Breath, movement, sound, touch – these are all the foundations great sex is built on.

It’s true we’re born knowing instinctively how to breathe, move, make sounds, and touch.

But our journey through life tends to discourage us from doing them well.

Most adults breathe at survival level – just enough air to stay alive. Most of us feel awkward and shy about moving, or expressing ourselves – especially non-verbally. And touch can feel so fraught with complications that many of us are scared of it.

And in any case knowing how to do these things, and knowing how to use them are very different skills!

Practice makes perfect

It takes practice to utilise these amazing tools to their full potential for enhancing sex and arousal states.

Unfortunately as Sexological Bodywork founder Joseph Kramer observes:

 “The primary reason more people don’t explore sustained sexual arousal is that accessing those states requires practice. Many people don’t like to practice – not even sexual practice which can be quite pleasurable”.

We also have a tendency to want to rush at things – to achieve results as fast as possible.

When it comes to getting better at gay sex many guys make the mistake of focussing on what they think ought to be the outcome, rather than building essential skills for change.

What can you do?

The crucial things I teach people when they start to work with me are:

• how to slow down
• how to breathe
• how to touch
• how to move
• how to make sound

And most importantly how to combine these into a long-term and sustainable practice that will really make a difference!

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Interested in learning more about how to get better at sex? Work with me body to body, or get right back to basics and learn how to pleasure yourself